It’s been 6 years already since I started my first job. Though it feels like just now I’ve been able to catch my breathe. My life feels like it was a sprint from what I remember. I feel like my teens and most of twenty’s were just a sprint towards finish. A finish that I thought was my goal. Instead, a realization blindsided me; it wasn’t mine. It was someone else’s. It was others’ expectations. I feel so used. I feel so used that, I don’t know what I want and how to go about attaining whatever that I want. I feel like a blank slate underneath a machinery built for others. I don’t like this. I never wanted to feel like an empty hull. like just a machine doing what it’s good at and nothing more. What am I getting out of this? I don’t know. I don’t have any friends outside of close circle, though I’m trying. Most friends left the area for better futures. My fear is being forgotten and forgetting.
I can’t blame them for leaving. I left too once and I would have stayed had it not been for my family. My family’s quite the bunch. I wouldn’t exactly say “functional”. Many ups and downs were had. I feel like I’ve not grown well as a human being, just submitting to whatever their wishes were. I had to take so many shortcuts in life to arrive at where I am. I am definitely not happy how I got to where I am, despite how good it looks. Like how a cheater feels. Do I deserve this fruit of unappreciating endeavour? I’m sure a lot of other people deserve it more. But what do I know. I just happen to be where I am because fate took me here. I happen to be prepared for when certain opportunities arose. What more or less could I have done to live differently? more joyfully? I can’t say.
I’ll be trying to help others little by little. Like donating blood, however useless I am. It’s sad to realize that I’m only doing this for self-gratification. As if I need a purpose in living. My perspectives on life recently changed for longer term. I want to live out a life. I want to see and experience all the good and bad before calling it done. I want to want. I want to do. I want to have courage. I want to leave my mark on the world and leave it a better place in my eyes.
I pushed away many people in living, inadvertently or purposefully. And I probably will continue doing that as I see it fit. I want to live on my terms, not others. My mode of communication is of empathy and reason.