Being alone sucks. You tell yourself and others that you can handle it. But actually being alone and awake when everyone else is asleep massively sucks. There is no one to talk to and share experiences and experience things together. That part dies away with childhood as people solidifies the differences in perception of fun. You can find new people who mutually enjoy this fun, but most people tend to focus on the differences and set aside similarities as life goes on. As differences don’t get resolved, the rift deepens and eventually people part ways in their search. This is painful to people who realize what’s happening and feels powerless to do anything about it.
The truth is, meeting people in real life exposes you in ways you’d not expect. Deep in our biology is the desire to congregate, feel empathy and protect those alike us. This is not a novel phenomenon; evolutionary biologists wrote books about communal behaviour being advantageous to survival or evolutionarily stable. But all that aside, it just feels damn good to be loved and appreciated by others.
It’s been 6 years already since I started my first job. Though it feels like just now I’ve been able to catch my breathe. My life feels like it was a sprint from what I remember. I feel like my teens and most of twenty’s were just a sprint towards finish. A finish that I thought was my goal. Instead, a realization blindsided me; it wasn’t mine. It was someone else’s. It was others’ expectations. I feel so used. I feel so used that, I don’t know what I want and how to go about attaining whatever that I want. I feel like a blank slate underneath a machinery built for others. I don’t like this. I never wanted to feel like an empty hull. like just a machine doing what it’s good at and nothing more. What am I getting out of this? I don’t know. I don’t have any friends outside of close circle, though I’m trying. Most friends left the area for better futures. My fear is being forgotten and forgetting.
I can’t blame them for leaving. I left too once and I would have stayed had it not been for my family. My family’s quite the bunch. I wouldn’t exactly say “functional”. Many ups and downs were had. I feel like I’ve not grown well as a human being, just submitting to whatever their wishes were. I had to take so many shortcuts in life to arrive at where I am. I am definitely not happy how I got to where I am, despite how good it looks. Like how a cheater feels. Do I deserve this fruit of unappreciating endeavour? I’m sure a lot of other people deserve it more. But what do I know. I just happen to be where I am because fate took me here. I happen to be prepared for when certain opportunities arose. What more or less could I have done to live differently? more joyfully? I can’t say.
I’ll be trying to help others little by little. Like donating blood, however useless I am. It’s sad to realize that I’m only doing this for self-gratification. As if I need a purpose in living. My perspectives on life recently changed for longer term. I want to live out a life. I want to see and experience all the good and bad before calling it done. I want to want. I want to do. I want to have courage. I want to leave my mark on the world and leave it a better place in my eyes.
I pushed away many people in living, inadvertently or purposefully. And I probably will continue doing that as I see it fit. I want to live on my terms, not others. My mode of communication is of empathy and reason.
It’s middle of April and we get massive snow, sleet, freezing rain. WTF?
My doge got a haircut! she lost so much of her hair! all her ear hair was plucked out too. Groomer was fantastic and I will ask for her again! She was pretty insistent on using conditioner though but I didn’t see the need.
make sure your pet doesn’t bring in pe(s)ts like bedbugs! Always check all under the covers on your mattress!
I woke up today late at 2pm thinking that today is Canadian holiday. I was wrong. Apparently, Easter monday is holiday in Alberta and PEI only. Unofficially, I’ve read “Description:Public holiday in: Alberta, British Columbia, New Brunswick, Prince Edward Island, Quebec, Yukon”.
TIL and FYI
I’ve been toying with React in frontend web-dev as a hobby. It’s a very good abstraction in terms of controlling client-side state and doing a dependency based re-rendering. I’ve started a simple Todo application with a friend doing a backend and it is going pretty well so far. One mistake I made was trying to use latest stable React and Bootstrap 4 beta from CDNs. This was flying too close to the Sun and when trying to do anything dynamic (anything that requires bootstrap.js and therefore modifying DOM by anything other than React), it failed. The failure was Modal. While there exists a workaround, it’s for sure not a clean abstraction that a purist in me would like.
So I attempted to look at alternatives and I recalled using React-Bootstrap from the github project. Basically, it’s bootstrap components that are re-implemented using React framework. Unfortunately, it’s still in development towards 1.0.0 release and is based on stable Bootstrap v3. So I did what is most rational. I made an attempt to change to using React-Bootstrap components instead of using pure React and Bootstrap CSS. The Re-architecting surprisingly went well without much headache because most that I had to do was just replace the JSX components. Of course the CSS made the sites look difference and that was expected.
Initially, I created a project that was a generic copy of the React’s create-react-app, but using externalized npm components. I used the webpack it used to compile and emit the bundle.js file. I basically leveraged that to emit bundle.js from the bag of js files, and used that bundle.js file in the static folder under django root directory. It is definitely not a standalone webpack framework to compile just what I need since it was meant to be a standalone React, Express server, but for my purposes it did its job (there is a bug where webpack –watch fail with ENOENT but that’s just an annoyance). Someday I’ll create just a webpack project that makes the bundle.js file that I need to supply for frontend.
I switched from using CDN to using actual components in my js files. The pros and cons for this is pretty common sense so I won’t describe them here. The end result is that everything works as expected using React-Bootstrap components. It worked pretty much too well to my surprise (after some weird ES2015 things not working like Object Destructuring) and that bodes a good news to develop further without much headache down the road. Looking to make the best todo app!